Monday, 7 May 2012

Rough weeks...

The past weeks for me have been kind of rough. I've been rude to, and been talked to rudely by many,  people. I've been paranoid about everything, snapping at my family, and just fed up with everything. This weekend i was asked twice (by my dad and sis, and by my friend) to go to see a movie with them, and i refused both. I don' t feel like doing anything, nothing really makes me smile, and everything tastes like bland rice.

Taking it out on others...

I feel bad because I don't want to hurt the people I am. I was mad at my parents, and i took it out via text messages at one of my friends. I hurt her feelings, when i wasn't even mad at her. I apologized that night, explaining the situation to her. Thank God she is a nice friend, and forgave me. The next day i texted her thanking her for being such a nice friend to me.

Then today, i was out for lunch with my friends, and we just had an assembly about the r-word: retard. My friends wouldn't decide on ANYTHING. It was so frustrating because i'm used to: okay, we are going to ------ and getting ----- and sitting --------. BUT NO! they are standing there for five minutes trying to make a decision, and I'm getting more pissed off by the second. I swear, if i hadn't kept my mouth shout and literally gone silent all lunch, i would have lost it. One other thing; i detest people asking me if i'm okay, or upset. Think about it people! I'm sorry but if you don't have ANY clue in whats got me upset, you don't know me well. It sucked because i couldn't go off and leave them, because i couldn't of anyone else to go and spontaneously go and have lunch with, in the middle of lunch.

I was so afraid of being embarrassed i stayed there, but i physically showed i was pissed off, by being quiet and terse with my answers to their questions.

SO Many Things on My weeeeee lil' mind...
It's funny, they always say, don't judge a book by its cover. So people, don't judge me because lately i have been cranky, paranoid, anxious and probably everything included in depression. I have a lot of unspoken responsibility at home. My mother is so busy at work to pay for the bills, because her and dad don't share that responsibility. So its not my fault. SO while my mother is at work, there is no one to keep the house clean, unless we are expecting visitors (which means a mass 'quick clean' by me and mom.) but our house is pretty messy if you ask me. It's mostly clutter, and papers, and stuff we don't need.

 Any-who, there are not enough hours for all the things i KNOW i need to do. I have my school work first of all to do. Then i have to  try and make sure the kitchen is clean. then make sure the dogs are happy, and try to keep tidy the front entrance and the rest of the house. And then if i have to, i might do the dog poo in the backyard, or walk the dogs. Then their is piano to practice, otherwise my piano teacher and my mother will be not impressed because piano lessons, and the drive to Oakville are expensive. Then i like to volunteer at Rocky Ridge Ranch, but i need money to pay for paints/ horse stuff/ or other things i need/want, so i sometimes ill go and work at my mom's work in the office and do filing or whatever, and get paid for it so i can pay my phone bill. And then there's laundry and many other things.

^ i could probably write a book on the things i know i need to do to help my mother out. (as the other two in my house are somewhat incapable.) people think I'm 'over emphasizing' or whatever, but place yourself in my shoes. Try to think about what i think about on a daily basis.

AND THEN - there's me trying to lose a few pounds so that maybe, i might feel a little bit less self conscious. It might help now in a horrible way that food doesn't look appetizing or whatever. (no I'm not going and starving myself, ill just eat less food than i usually do, which was quite a bit in the first place)
But I've been trying to loose this horrible muffin top for FOREVER. I'll just try to stay out of the cupboard and cut down my portions. And instead of eating sweet candy all the time, I'll try to eat very sweet fruits, because to me they give you the same sugar-rush. Only candy makes you feel full, but fruit is very light compared to candy.

Well I'm almost of of things to rant about. Sorry about that People! I'm just frustrated with my state right now, so bear with me... ttyl.

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